The Bible According to Ernie

Archangel Gabriel, heaven's spin doctor, is in the office to discuss a problem with his boss.

GABE: Bio issue in the Garden of Eden, not sure if it's a software glitch or a hack. All hell is breaking loose.

GOD: Hell? What the heck is hell?

GABE: Don't you remember? It was in the beta version of the Garden of Eden.

GOD: You're right, back before we took all the suffering and bullshit out. I forgot. Lord knows, but I guess I'm getting old which is why some of angels think they can mouth off, like that jerk Beelzebub.

GABE: Lose the beard and sandals. It'll take eons off your apparent age.

GOD: But beards are trendy and sandals are comfortable.

GABE: Good point, God. At least remove the socks.

GOD: Screw you. I'm God, and I'll do what I damn please even even if it means wearing socks with sandals. Damage assessment, please.

GABE: Somehow Eve was persuaded to click on the Apple logo, and then wouldn't you know but she shared with Adam, and the next thing you know we have Original Sin in the system. Evolution has replaced Creationism and you know what that means.

GOD: I'll say: competition among the species, insane breeding rituals, war, pestilence, road rage, cuticles, cancer, and long lines at the airport. Who's too blame for this?

GABE: The IT angels are saying it was bad code in the software.

GOD: That can't be. I wrote the code myself and I'm perfect.

GABE: Yeah, right. It must have been a hack. But who?

GOD: Maybe it was Isis or the Russians.

GABE: No, that's in the future.

GOD: When you know the past, present, and future, it can't get help but be confusing. But I'm still perfect, so it can't be me. I think it was you know who.

GABE: Beelzebub.

GOD: Right. It would be just like him to send Eve a phishing post, and voila she takes the bait and clicks on the Apple logo. Write it up for the Angels and Prophets Biblical News Letter.

GABE: Minor technical problem. Beelzebub won't fit in a one-column 30 point headline.

GOD: What do you recommend?

GABE: How about his middle name, the one they claim he got born-again in Kenya--Obama?

GOD: Blame everything on Obama, I like it. Go ahead and write it up; make sure to mention the Kenya connection.

GABE: What about the naked couple in the Garden of Eden? They're the ones that messed up.

GOD: I'm going to show them a thing or two by kicking them out of the garden. Bye bye earthly immortality.

GABE: Yeah, but who's fault was it really?

GOD: You say Eve made the first click, go figure.

GABE: Okay, how's this for a lead? "Got a problem, guys? When you can't blame Obama, blame the little woman."

GOD: Perfect! Write it up for the future Bible.